Dear parents,

This morning, I could barely see the sun through the fog. I knew it was there, but much of the landscape remained hidden. It made me think about parenting an adult child with a brain-based disability and behaviours that can be harmful, especially when they no longer live at home.

Adulthood does not automatically bring independence. A legal birthday does not suddenly change judgment, emotional regulation, or the need for support. Yet our role changes, sometimes before there is adequate support to take our place.

You may not know where your child is, whom they are with, or whether they are safe. You may have little influence over their decisions. Relief that your home is safer can coexist with fear about what is happening beyond your sight.

For parents who have spent years anticipating crises, not knowing can feel unbearable. Worry follows us into quiet moments. Alongside it may come grief, guilt, anger, exhaustion, tenderness, and hope. These feelings are part of the experience; they do not mean we are doing parenting wrong.

From a nonviolent resistance perspective NVR, perhaps part of our work is to resist the harm that constant worry can do to us. This does not mean dismissing real risks or forcing ourselves to stop caring. It means finding ways to keep fear from consuming our lives.

That resistance can be small and practical: pause before sending another message; choose a time to check for updates; agree on a plan for situations that require action. Ask a trusted person to share the practical work or simply listen. Return to a routine that helps you settle. When there is no useful action available, give yourself permission to rest.

Your child’s needs are real. So are your limits. Loving them does not mean you alone must provide their housing, safety, services, and every response to a crisis. Family commitment should not substitute for adequate community support.

Questions to sit with

• What role do I want in my adult child’s life, and what am I realistically able to offer?
• Am I responding to an immediate, identifiable risk, or the fear of what might happen?
• What forms of connection feel safe and sustainable for both of us?
• Which responsibilities can no longer belong to me alone?
• Who can share the worry, and what helps me settle when I do not have answers?

There may be grief in redefining your role. You may have imagined that this stage would feel lighter. You can acknowledge that loss while exploring what is possible now: a call, a meal, advocacy, or connection with clear boundaries. Your role can change again as circumstances change.

When there is immediate danger, concrete action and appropriate help matter. When there is nothing more you can do in this moment, your own life still deserves care.

The fog may not lift today. You may not get the answers you hope for. But you can remain connected to what matters while making room for your life to continue.

You are still their parent. You do not have to be everything they need.

With warmth and solidarity

Maude